Presidency22 July 2026
PRESIDENT CALLS FOR PATIENCE AS GOVERNMENT ADDRESSES CONSEQUENCES OF GOVERNMENT
The President has assured citizens that decisive measures will be announced immediately after consultations on when to begin consultations.
Satire
Parody · Satire · Independent Civic Commentary
Government of Conya
A Kenya government parody. Where every promise is delivered — to a press conference.
Not an official Kenyan government website. All Conyan officials, ministries and slogans are fictional satirical creations.
Parody Photograph
Satirical illustration featuring fictional people
Government of Conya is an independent Kenya government parody and civic-accountability project examining corruption, police brutality, custodial deaths, torture allegations, protest killings, enforced disappearances, missing evidence and the political language used to avoid responsibility. Conya is not an official Government of Kenya website.
Official AnnouncementsOfficial
▪Government forms task force to investigate why previous task-force recommendations were not implemented.▪Ministry confirms CCTV system was fully operational before and after the relevant incident.▪Citizens reminded that accountability may interfere with ongoing investigations.▪President returns from international accountability summit and calls for accountability.▪Government denies allegation contained in video currently playing behind spokesperson.▪Public participation has concluded. The public's participation was noted.▪Government forms task force to investigate why previous task-force recommendations were not implemented.▪Ministry confirms CCTV system was fully operational before and after the relevant incident.▪Citizens reminded that accountability may interfere with ongoing investigations.▪President returns from international accountability summit and calls for accountability.▪Government denies allegation contained in video currently playing behind spokesperson.▪Public participation has concluded. The public's participation was noted.
"We remain committed to remaining committed, and no amount of evidence will distract us from that commitment."
— H.E. The President of Conya (fictional)
Speaking during the launch of the National Framework for Launching National Frameworks.
Satirical Bulletins
Statements, Frameworks & Concerns
Economic Storytelling20 July 2026
CONYA POSITIONS ITSELF AS AFRICA'S LEADING TASK-FORCE MANUFACTURING HUB
The administration says the task-force economy will create thousands of reports, recommendations and launch events.
Satire
Cabinet18 July 2026
CABINET APPROVES NATIONAL FRAMEWORK FOR DENYING THINGS ALREADY RECORDED ON VIDEO
The framework introduces coordinated denial, strategic confusion and enhanced spokesperson capacity.
Satire
Digital Superhighway15 July 2026
GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES DIGITAL PORTAL FOR REPORTING WHY THE PREVIOUS PORTAL IS DOWN
The new portal will provide a seamless process for receiving an error while attempting to report another error.
Satire
Foreign Selfies12 July 2026
PRESIDENT ATTENDS GLOBAL SUMMIT ON GOOD GOVERNANCE
The delegation reaffirmed Conya's commitment to international photographs, bilateral handshakes and sustainable motorcades.
Satire
Interior Decoration10 July 2026
INTERIOR MINISTRY CONFIRMS ALL PEACEFUL PROTESTERS WERE AGGRESSIVELY PEACEFUL
Authorities say excessive peace left officers with no reasonable alternative but proportionate overreaction.
Satire
Directorate8 July 2026
DCI SUCCESSFULLY RECEIVES EVIDENCE
The evidence is now undergoing advanced administrative resting before its potential transmission to another office.
Satire
Cabinet5 July 2026
CABINET DIRECTS CABINET TO IMPLEMENT CABINET DIRECTIVE
A progress report will be issued following the next Cabinet directive.
Satire
The Conya Transformation Agenda
Our plan for transforming public challenges into communications opportunities.
Priority
Affordable Housing
"Pay the levy. Imagine the house."
Transforming home ownership from a physical asset into a national aspiration.
Priority
Healthcare
"Submit. Hope. Appeal."
Universal access to registration portals, contribution notices and explanations.
Priority
Digital Superhighway
"Connecting every citizen to a loading spinner."
Digitising government services so inconvenience can be experienced remotely.
Priority
Hustler Fund
"Hustle now. Repay forever."
Empowering citizens through small loans and very large speeches.
Priority
Agricultural Transformation
"Growing announcements nationwide."
Supporting farmers through subsidised photographs of fertiliser.
Priority
Manufacturing
"Manufacturing consent at scale."
Creating a globally competitive narrative economy.
Priority
Education
"Competency-Based Confusion."
Preparing learners for jobs that will be announced in the next manifesto.
Priority
Social Protection
"Protecting the socially connected."
Ensuring no qualified relative is left behind.
Priority
Environment
"One tree planted per scandal."
Restoring public confidence through seedlings, summits and branded T-shirts.
Priority
Sports
"Olympic-level blame shifting."
Investing in athletes whenever they have already won.
Priority
Infrastructure
"Building roads to ribbon-cutting ceremonies."
Prioritising projects with strong visibility from presidential motorcades.
Priority
Women's Agenda
"Statement issued. Action pending."
Mainstreaming concern through commemorative hashtags and emergency meetings.
Key Service Agenda
Are you looking for…
Interactive simulations of the everyday citizen experience. No real files are uploaded. No sensitive data is collected. Every interaction is a labelled satirical simulation.
Public Notice
Public Safety, Conyan Style
Protecting citizens from the consequences of requesting protection.
- Satire
DEATH IN CUSTODY
"Arrive as a suspect. Depart as an explanation."
When a person dies inside a secure government facility, Conyan procedure begins by identifying the version of events least likely to survive an autopsy.
View Custody Procedure - Satire
PEACEFUL PROTEST RESPONSE
"Freedom of assembly is fully protected behind the barricade."
Citizens may peacefully assemble, provided they do not assemble in a place where they can be seen, heard or assembled.
Request Permission to Be Dispersed - Satire
ENFORCED DISAPPEARANCE SUPPORT
"We cannot confirm custody of the person photographed entering our vehicle."
The Government remains deeply concerned about disappearances that witnesses, families and video recordings continue to associate with unknown known persons.
Search Unknown Locations - Satire
POLICE ACCOUNTABILITY
"Independent investigation. Same building."
Complaints are examined through a carefully coordinated chain of offices, each independently waiting for the previous office.
Forward Responsibility - Satire
EVIDENCE MANAGEMENT
"Securely transferred until no one knows where it is."
Evidence moves seamlessly between the police, investigators, oversight bodies and prosecutors without creating the administrative burden of accountability.
Follow the File - Satire
COMMAND RESPONSIBILITY
"Orders travel downward. Accountability travels nowhere."
Conyan leadership principles ensure every command has an origin unless identifying that origin would affect national stability.
Investigate from the Bottom
Interactive Satire
Follow the Evidence
A simulation of how a piece of evidence moves through Conya. No file is actually uploaded. No personal data is collected. All bureaucratic responses are fictional.
- Police station
- Investigating officer
- Senior officer
- DCI office
- Oversight authority
- Prosecutor
- Request for additional documentation
- Returned to investigating authority
- Jurisdictional clarification
- Pending review
- Officer transferred
- File cannot be found
A sober comparison
When Someone Enters Police Custody
This is not satire. It is a comparison between the legal expectation and what has been publicly reported in Kenya. Individual cases vary; this section does not attribute conduct to any named person.
The Legal Expectation
- Arrest is recorded in an official register
- Family or lawyer is informed promptly
- Detainee is treated humanely
- Medical needs are addressed
- Interview is documented
- CCTV and occurrence-book records are preserved
- Detainee is released or presented in court within legal time limits
- Any injury or death is independently investigated
The Conyan Version
- Arrest location disputed
- Destination not disclosed
- Family searches several stations
- Custody initially denied
- Online criticism examined as a national-security emergency
- CCTV becomes unavailable
- Initial injury explanation issued
- Autopsy contradicts initial explanation
- Officers are suspended
- Task force announced
- Senior command remains a matter of public speculation
- Public told not to politicise the death
- Accountability status remains pending
Documentary
Watch: Blood Parliament — BBC Africa Eye
BBC Africa Eye used videos, photographs and open-source investigation to examine the shootings of demonstrators around Kenya's Parliament during the June 25, 2024 Finance Bill protests.
Content warning: this documentary discusses and shows fatal state violence. Viewer discretion advised.
Video produced and published by BBC Africa Eye / BBC News Africa. Conya did not produce this documentary.
Bottom-Up Delivery Dashboard
Delivery at a glance.
Satirical Indicators — Not Real Government Statistics
Promises launched
0
Promises relaunched
0
Task forces formed
0
Reports published
0
Reports implemented
0
Officials held fully accountable
Loading…
Press conferences completed
0%
Public confidence
Connection lost
CCTV uptime (ordinary hours)
0.0%
CCTV uptime (relevant incidents)
0%
Evidence forwarded successfully
Pending
Trees planted during scandals
0
A twelve-month reflection on our steadfast dedication.
Commitment Measurable Outcome
Text summary: Public Relations 32%, Foreign Travel 20%, Blame Previous Government 18%, Blame Protesters 15%, Task Forces 14%, Actual Implementation 1%.
- Public Relations32%
- Blame Previous Government18%
- Blame Protesters15%
- Task Forces14%
- Foreign Travel20%
- Actual Implementation1%
Ministry of Pledges, Promises & Plans
Pledges made. Promises repeated. Plans postponed.
Between the pledge and the delivery lies a national resource: the budget. It is the only part of the promise that is always fully utilised.
Pledges recorded
2,847
Pledges delivered*
3
Ribbons cut
1,290
Budgets 'reallocated'
74
*Satirical figures. See the ledger below for the actual pattern being satirised.
Pledge-to-Delivery Tracker
Every pledge. Its status. What evidence is still missing.
11 of 11 shown
Download PDF reportPledge · 2013
Re-pledged ×7
A laptop for every child in Standard One
Ministry of Education
Rebranded, not delivered
- Budget allocated
- KSh 24.6 billion (initial estimate)
- What was actually delivered
- A rebrand to the DLP tablet, distributed unevenly, later folded into a 'digital literacy framework'.
- Official explanation
- “The programme has been transitioned into a broader digital learning framework currently under review.”
- Evidence missing (3)
- Per-school device delivery register
- Working-devices audit
- +1 more — expand for detail
Pledge · 2013
Re-pledged ×12
Five world-class stadia, one in each region
Ministry of Sports, Culture & Heritage
Not delivered
- Budget allocated
- Repeatedly re-announced across budgets
- What was actually delivered
- Zero completed. Multiple ground-breaking ceremonies. Renovations reclassified as 'construction'.
- Official explanation
- “The stadia are progressing through the pre-groundbreaking phase of the second groundbreaking.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Signed contractor documents per site
- Independent site inspection
Pledge · 2017
Re-pledged ×5
500,000 affordable houses within five years
Ministry of Lands, Housing & Urban Development
Partially delivered
- Budget allocated
- Housing Levy from every payslip, plus Treasury allocations
- What was actually delivered
- Renderings, ribbon cuttings, and a small number of completed units relative to the pledge.
- Official explanation
- “Delivery is being reimagined through public–private partnership frameworks.”
- Evidence missing (3)
- Nationwide beneficiary register
- Per-project cost per unit
- +1 more — expand for detail
Pledge · 2022
Re-pledged ×4
Subsidised fertiliser for every smallholder farmer
Ministry of Agriculture & Livestock Development
Partially delivered
- Budget allocated
- Multi-billion shilling subsidy programme
- What was actually delivered
- Photographs of fertiliser being handed over; batches later reported as substandard or diverted.
- Official explanation
- “The Ministry is investigating what the Ministry did with the fertiliser.”
- Evidence missing (3)
- Bag-by-bag distribution register
- Lab results on flagged batches
- +1 more — expand for detail
Pledge · 2018
Re-pledged ×6
Universal Health Coverage for every Kenyan
Ministry of Health
Rebranded, not delivered
- Budget allocated
- A new deduction every eighteen months
- What was actually delivered
- Rebranded portals (NHIF → SHIF → SHA); registration desks; delayed reimbursements to hospitals.
- Official explanation
- “SHIF, SHA, NHIF and the next acronym are being harmonised for a seamless citizen experience.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- SHA claims-paid vs. filed dataset
- Digital platform contract
Pledge · 2013
Re-pledged ×10
One million new jobs every year
Ministry of Labour & Social Protection
Quietly abandoned
- Budget allocated
- A press-conference budget
- What was actually delivered
- A national task force to identify the jobs; targets restated without a baseline.
- Official explanation
- “The jobs are in the pipeline. The pipeline is also in the pipeline.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Verified job-creation dataset
- Beneficiary registers per fund
Pledge · 1963
Re-pledged ×999
Zero tolerance on corruption
Office of the President / EACC
Perpetually 'ongoing'
- Budget allocated
- Every anti-corruption commission ever formed
- What was actually delivered
- Selective memory; selective files; selective arrests; charges quietly withdrawn.
- Official explanation
- “The war on corruption is being fought at the highest levels — by the same people.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Case-outcome dashboard
- Assets-recovered register
Pledge · 2013
Re-pledged ×8
10,000 kilometres of tarmac roads
Ministry of Roads & Transport
Partially delivered
- Budget allocated
- Eurobonds, Chinese loans, fuel levy, RMLF, road toll levy.
- What was actually delivered
- Substantial road works nationally, alongside contracts with recurring variation orders and unfinished sections.
- Official explanation
- “The road is complete up to the point at which the ribbon was cut.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Km-completed register per project
- Variation orders register
Pledge · 2013
Re-pledged ×6
Galana-Kulalu to make Kenya food secure
Ministry of Agriculture & Livestock Development
Quietly abandoned
- Budget allocated
- Multi-billion shilling irrigation flagship
- What was actually delivered
- A pilot maize harvest, then declining outputs, then a quiet exit from the flagship framing.
- Official explanation
- “The model is being restructured through private sector partnership.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Yield-per-hectare timeline
- Contractor payments file
Pledge · 2008
Re-pledged ×9
Konza Technopolis — 'Africa's Silicon Savannah' by 2020
Ministry of Information, Communications & the Digital Economy
Perpetually 'ongoing'
- Budget allocated
- Multi-phase mega-project; sovereign-backed loans and levies
- What was actually delivered
- Access roads, some buildings, and a horizon full of renderings.
- Official explanation
- “Konza is in its next-phase transition; renderings will materialise on the next master plan.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Tenant occupancy report
- Return-on-investment analysis
Pledge · 2022
Re-pledged ×4
Digital superhighway: 100,000 hustler jobs and fibre to every ward
Ministry of Information, Communications & the Digital Economy
Partially delivered
- Budget allocated
- ICT budget lines; PPP frameworks; donor-supported programmes
- What was actually delivered
- Some fibre extensions and gig-work platforms, well below the 100,000-jobs headline.
- Official explanation
- “The digital superhighway is a long-term vision realised in the fullness of time.”
- Evidence missing (2)
- Verified 'hustler jobs' registry
- Ward-level fibre coverage map
The Presidential P-Word Phrasebook
What they said. What it meant.
“I pledge…”
I am about to say something at a rally that will be forgotten before the rally ends.
“I promise…”
I have identified an audience that will applaud and I will now speak in their direction.
“Plans are underway…”
A room has been booked. Tea will be served. Nothing has been decided.
“At the appropriate time…”
After the next election, if the same audience is still listening.
“The process is ongoing…”
The file is moving between desks that all belong to the same person.
“We shall implement…”
A committee will be formed to consider the shape the implementation should take.
“As I speak…”
Right now, in the microphone, nowhere else.
“Prioritised in the next budget…”
Postponed to the budget after the budget after this one.
Promise vs Action
The distance between the microphone and the ministry.
| What was promised | What was done |
|---|---|
| Lower the cost of living | RealityIntroduced 3 new taxes on the cost of living |
| Protect the youth | RealityDeployed live ammunition against unarmed young people |
| Fight corruption without fear or favour | RealityWithdrew charges against friends. Filed new charges against critics. |
| Listen to the people | RealityHeld public participation after the decision was gazetted |
| Reduce public wage bill | RealityAppointed 50 more Chief Administrative Coordinators |
| Bring the truth to Kenyans | RealityFormed a task force to write a report about a previous report |
Editorial note
This tracker is satire built on a real, repeating pattern in Kenyan public life: grand pledges paired with quietly disbursed budgets, missing evidence, and the polite disappearance of both. Budget-share figures are illustrative — the underlying pattern (variation orders, mobilisation advances, warehousing, consultancy, and unaccounted balances) is drawn from recurring Auditor-General queries and parliamentary committee reports.
Not satire
The People Behind the Numbers
Numbers from human-rights reports describe people — teachers, students, market traders, parents, journalists, bloggers, workers. This section will hold verified, sourced entries as they can be responsibly documented. There are no advertisements, joke buttons or comedic elements in this section.
Editorial placeholder
Individual entries are only added when they can be sourced to credible reporting or public court material, when family statements can be lawfully represented, and where any images are properly licensed or clearly symbolic. Artificial portraits of real deceased people are never generated.
To submit a correction, additional source or family statement, contact corrections@conya.example.
Frequently Asked Questions
About Government of Conya
Is Government of Conya an official Kenya government website?
No. Government of Conya is an independent political-parody and civic-accountability website. It is not affiliated with Kenya's Presidency, national government, county governments, police, Parliament or any government agency.
Is Conya about the Kenyan government?
Yes. The project uses fictional institutions and satire to comment on documented public concerns involving Kenyan governance, corruption, police violence, protest response and accountability.
What is the Blood Parliament documentary?
Blood Parliament is a BBC Africa Eye investigation examining the shootings of demonstrators around Kenya's Parliament during the June 25, 2024 Finance Bill protests.
Where can I watch Blood Parliament?
The documentary can be watched through the official BBC News Africa YouTube publication embedded on this website.
Does Conya accuse every Kenyan police officer of brutality?
No. The project criticises documented institutional failures, specific conduct and failures of command and accountability. It does not claim that every police officer is corrupt or abusive.
Are the Conyan ministries and officials real?
No. Conyan agencies, ministries, slogans and officeholders are fictional satirical creations unless a section is explicitly labelled as factual reporting about a real Kenyan institution or public figure.
How does Conya verify factual information?
Factual pages use dated sources, distinguish allegations from findings, include responses where available and maintain visible corrections and update histories.
Behind the Joke
Satire works only when readers can distinguish documented events from invented comedy.
The Reality Check section contains sourced, dated, publicly reported information on corruption, police accountability, protest deaths, digital repression and how to reach independent human-rights organisations.
Read the Reality CheckA closing note
Kenya Deserves Better Than Conya
The joke is Conya. The consequences are not.
Deaths in custody are not satire. Torture is not satire. A young person being shot while exercising a constitutional right is not satire. A family searching police stations for a missing relative is not satire. Evidence disappearing between public offices is not satire.
The satire targets the machinery that turns these realities into statements, denials, pending investigations and forgotten files.
Conya exists because Kenya deserves institutions that protect life, preserve evidence, respect dissent and hold power accountable.